Twenty (or So) Questions For Santa Claus

We got the journalistic opportunity of a lifetime the other day, the chance to interview Santa Claus “exclusively” (as they say on FOX).  Not that Bob Zany Santa, either.  But the real one.  The truth is it wasn’t a one-on-one, sit-down interview like Barbara Walters or Larry King would have gotten.  (Santa is much too busy for that.)  Suffice it to say, I didn’t know Santa texts.

TD:  Who’s your favorite actor?

SC:  I liked the guy who played me in Miracle on 34th Street.  The 1947 version.  The one in black and white.  The others, not so much.

TD:  Santa, you know all those cool, old pictures of you drinking Coca-Cola?  Do you really drink Coke?

SC:  No, that was a celebrity endorsement.  Just business.

TD:  If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

SC:  I would probably want to drop a few pounds.

TD:  What’s the biggest misconception about you?

SC:  That I work one night a year and take the rest off.

TD:  What is your favorite food?

SC:  Probably milk and cookies.

TD:  Do you have any tattoos?

SC:  Naughty, naughty!

TD:  How is it that you can deliver toys to all the good, little boys and girls all over the whole world in just one night?

SC:  Next question.

TD:  How “good” does a kid have to be to get off the Naughty List?

SC:  You’re no Larry King, are you?

TD:  No.  What do you like to do in your spare time?

SC:  HoHoHo.

TD:  If you could be any kind of a tree, what kind of a tree would it be?

SC:  A Christmas tree.  Duh!

TD:  Who’s your favorite singer?

SC:  I think I’d have to say Gene Autry.  He did that one–Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  That was pretty good.  I also like Eartha Kitt’s Santa Baby.  HoHoHo.  But don’t tell Mrs. Claus.

TD:  How is it that your reindeer can fly?

SC:  Is this going to be over any time soon?

TD:  Where would you most like to live?

SC:  Oh, I like living right here at the North Pole.  It’s quiet and you can get a lot of work done in a year.  North Dakota sounds quiet, too.  Cold, though.

TD:  What are elves like?

SC:  They’re ok.  They stay out of trouble as long as you keep them busy.  They work pretty cheap.

TD:  By the way, how many people work at the North Pole>

SC:  Let’s just say we’ve had to do some outsourcing lately.

TD:  Santa, how do you account for your enormous, world-wide popularity?

SC:  Good PR.